In the last decade we’ve seen Ferrari’s tie-in collections from Panerai and Girard Pellagaux become junk, and Brietling fare no better in their partnership with Bentley. You’d therefore think that watch firms would be more cautious in teaming up with car companies to produce watches but no; somehow they just keep trying, with predictable results.

Chopard, as one of the sponsors of the Mille Miglia has always dallied with motor-racing. Every watch manufacturer knows that sponsoring motoring events is good for business. They offer a ready-made (and often false) history steeped in automotive heritage, even if all the manufacture had ever been involved in was providing stopwatches. Anyway, Chopard has decided to cement their dubious racing credentials by linking up with Alfa Romeo to create the GT XL Chrono Alfa Romeo, reference 168459-3028. (more…)

Day, recording studio in the suburbs. Famous radio watch talk-show host Harry Hor Lor Gee is adjusting his microphone and other recording equipment. Across him sits the Incredible Hulk (TM), who looks confused and is clearly uncomfortable in this environment. He examines the microphone in front of him with curiosity, but resists eating it.

Harry Hor: (whispering) .. we’re on? Okay clear the room. (excitedly) Hey watch fans, this is Harry Hor Loh Gee and welcome to another exciting edition of “Watch Tok” -as in ‘Tik Tok’ – get it? Heheh! Boy do we have a special treat in store for you today…

Hulk: Rargh?

Harry Hor: …  and that’s our special guest all “rargh”-ing to go! Heheh! Just hold your horses while I do the show intro sir. “Watch Tok”, your on-air source for critical and objective watch analyses and reviews. “Watch Tok” is brought to you by Hank Bueller, maker of fine watches since 2008. Hank Bueller – we make watches for people who really prefer diamonds.

Like I was saying watch fans, do we have a treat for you today! Introducing live in our studios the very green and very mean Misterrrrrrrrr Incrrrrrrrrrredible Huuuuuulk! At last, watch fans all over the world will finally get to hear what Mr. Hulk himself has to say about horology!

Hulk: (Confused) Urh? (more…)

(Written by Auric Goh Fin Ger, Would-be World Dictator, Gold-thief and Purveyor of Pussies Galore)

Mr. Goh Fin Ger

Young man, let me begin by saying that I’ve been around. I was born at the time when a ‘waterproof watch’ meant that you could spit on it and polish the case. When a Cold War meant that a nuclear conflict, not a fight over cheap refrigeration, could break out anytime. But I’m not going to reminisce today. I’m going to teach you about value.

Like I said, I’ve been around. I’ve fought my share of super-spies, be they from MI6 or MILF. In retrospect, not everything I’ve done made sense- like trying to encase people with molten gold, or slice up enemies using a buzz-saw (ed: or, as pointed out by a reader, a laser cutter in the movie version. Yes there was a novel too!). But it’s my rage you see… sometimes, people just get me really, really mad.

Like the other day. (more…)

Just after I wrote the last article, I received a comment from an anonymous poster who suggested that I should go back to writing ‘serious and factual’ watch reviews rather than making up fictional stories about his beloved Rolex. Which is ridiculous, because I’ve never written a factual watch review in my life, and Rolex probably comes up more fiction about their watches than I am capable of in 10 lifetimes. I, in turn, would suggest that if anyone wanted to read a ‘serious’ watch review they should really check out Watch Report instead. This blog caters to people who are serious about not taking horology too seriously.

Despite all this, there sometimes comes along a timepiece of such masterful design that I have no choice but to treat it with as much seriousness as I can muster. The 2010 Tudor Heritage Chronograph or ‘Monte Carlo’ reissue is one of them. Introduced to in Baselworld 2010 (which I was again not invited to – how much longer are they going to ignore this fastest- growing source of ‘objective horological commentary’ on the Internet?) it was immediately greeted with a great deal of fanfare and absolutely stole the thunder from more expensive watches by other brands (such as the ceramic bezel Submariners by Rolex, for example).

Everything about this watch reeks of racing- driver sophistication – not that crap F1 nowadays where drivers start crying because their car broke down in the third lap or something – but the Seventies kind, the type which if a little Spanish teammate looked at them funny in the eye they’ll smash him across the face with their manly, hairy, Seventies’ fist. And then go make out with his hot, model wife. I’m talking James Hunt and Sir Jackie Stewart and not that Spanish pokemon and the other chumps who migrate to Switzerland to save a few million a year on taxes. Chumps. Are there no real men left in the world?

Major Knurling Action

But I digress. We were on the subject of making out with your friend’s wife and racing driver sophistication. Black bezel aside, the Monte Carlo’s nicely finished case with dual- pushers and crown has seen the watch being compared very favourably with its more expensive and prestigious stable-mate, the ‘ultimate driver’s watch’, the Rolex Daytona, which the MC shares some resemblance. But who buys Daytonas anymore except middle- eastern oil salesmen? Besides, with the Heritage Chrono you get a date! More for less. Like the Daytona, the Heritage Chrono’s pushers have screw- down locks and nicely ‘knurled’ edges. Er, you know that word. Its like when they rough up smooth metal and make it ribbed to improve the grip. They won’t use ‘ribbed’ because that word usually appears on rough- rider condoms and this is the high-end world of haute- horlogerie. So you better get used to ‘knurling’ instead.

Speaking of which, the edge of the bi- directional bezel is also nicely ‘knurled’ to improve grip as well. Maybe I’m used to precision clicking, but this bezel doesn’t seem to turn with enough clicking noise. In fact, it sounds muffled and the grooves are like kind of soft when you rotate the bezel, unlike the new Submariners which click with razor- sharp precision. But what the heck, it must be a slow day in the office when I’m crapping about bezels.

With the dial you have an absolute stunner. There’s something about the contrast between gray and black that works exceedingly well here; border it with a white and black outer ring, throw in the orange accents and shield- shaped hour markers and you have a watch- face that screams racer without needing to resort to a million mini- counters that are too small to be legible, something that Tag Heuer doesn’t seem to realise with their sports lines. Its not the about the number of markers, counters and numbers you cram into the dial but all to do with the placement of the details.

And how about giving you both a steel bracelet and NATO strap for value? Ok its not really a NATO strap because for some reason Tudor decided to implant the spring bars into the fabric strap itself, but it  sure adds to the racy feel of the watch. Actually I’m not sure if race- drivers really wore watches with NATO straps back in the Seventies or Sixties, but I think NATO straps are the next big thing in custom watches. Just imagine it, unless you’re a Panerai owner, you don’t really have a huge selection of cool watch straps to outfit your watches with and change its look, maybe even entirely. But with a spring bar, you can just about fit a NATO strap to anything! Even that diamond- bezeled- leopard- spots- on- the- dial gold Rolex that you’re too embarrassed to wear in public, fit a pink NATO to it and you’re an instant sensation!

I could go on forever about this watch (or some other unrelated topic), but the fact remains this IS the watch buy of 2010. It’s got the prestige (“Rolex’s little sister! costs US$4300!”), its got the ‘heritage’ (of being a re- issue of a well- received Seventies watch), its value for money (one bracelet, one strap, chrono, date) and great design. Why don’t they make all sports watches like this?!

Tudor Heritage Chrono ‘Monte Carlo;, reference 70330N, Stainless steel, 42mm Bezel, SS bracelet and NATO strap, 150m water resistance, Automatic ETA 2892-A2 movement, Recommend Retail Price S$5650.00

The rains had barely stopped when I arrived at the secret location at the predetermined time for my prearranged interview with the elusive ‘spy’ known only by his initials, K*P. Not knowing what exactly to expect, I nervously scanned the sparse crowd before me, looking for a person in a trench-coat or panama- hat. All I could find however, was the usual back-alley crowd: the male virility product seller, peddling his wares; a Filipino lady in a low-cut blouse offering ‘manicures’ to passer- bys; the blind ventriloquist with a pigeon perched on his head. I lifted a cigarette from my pocket and lit it.

I hadn’t taken a single drag before a voice spoke behind me.

Those things will kill you,” said a squeaky voice that reminded me of what a Beckham- Tyson lovechild would have sounded like.

Startled, I turned around. But there wasn’t anyone there. Instead, the ‘blind’ ventriloquist who had a pigeon perched on his head and giving indiscriminate foot massages by the corner of the walkway moved towards the kerb, beckoning me to follow him. A truly masterful disguise for a super- sleuth. “The name’s Pang,” he uttered, “K-Pang” (pronounced Kay- Pang).

I stepped back to evaluate the legend who now stood before me. North Korea, 1952. Liberated a shipment of grade ‘A’ kimchee just as it was being delivered to the grubby hands of Great Leader. ‘Nam, 73: single-handedly held back an entire legion of the Vietcong’s Giah Bargh (bloodthirsty war-squirrels) as the 21st airborne evacuated Saigon. The Persian Gulf, 1991: re-arranged the direction signs so the Scuds would fire at a Baby Milk Factory instead. The list of accomplishments could go on all day.

We both sat down on the kerb as we began to talk about his life as a super-spy. His eyes had a faraway look as he recounted to me the countless incidences of his world- saving exploits. In between tales of taking out weapons of mass destruction, assassinating dictators and rescuing hostages, he would glance occasionally at his watch, a Rolex GMT Master II Ceramic Bezel on a NATO strap. I asked him what happened to the original stainless steel bracelet that came with the watch.

“That? Used it to sabotage the crazed scientist Dr. Patek P. Lipp’s space-station “O.M.E.G.A.” (Orbital Meteorite in Earth’s Gassy Atmosphere), which was equipped with an experimental coaxial laser,” he replied, adding,”that thing would have turned Earth into a planet ocean”.

Impressive. But surely he could have gotten a replacement bracelet by writing in to Rolex? “I’m used to the NATO by now,” he shrugged. “Anyway the bracelet was too shiny, attracting the wrong kind of attention. The strap’s different. It doesn’t give away my location, whether I’m in the field or infiltration mode.”

And his job is one that constantly required him to stay in the murky depths of the intelligence world. Just like the restaurant we eventually ended up at, a dusty little noodle-shop with lots of shady customers eating chow- mien, where he revealed his Rolex’s next trick. “My job is dangerous,” he explained. “The knowledge I have, what I can do, can bring down governments. Which is why, when cornered, I will have no choice but to kill myself…with this watch”. But how?

He pointed to the shiny bezel of the GMT2. “It looks like any ordinary shiny bezel that seems harder to scratch, this,” he explains, “but its actually made of a secret, super- hard substance known only as ‘Cerachrom’. Scientists believe that aliens from the planet Rolexsior introduced this substance to Earth when they arrived in the early 20th century and founded Rolex. All we know is that Cerachrom is fatal when ingested by humans. So when cornered, I will simply swallow the whole bezel and bring my secrets to the grave”. I was stunned by this revelation. Who would ever have thought that the bezel would contain such a grave purpose?

“Oh, we spies do it all the time,” K*P remarked nonchalantly. “Back in the 1930s the Italian spies used to swallow their Panerais, as the luminous hour- markers were tipped with radium; you can imagine it was quite fatal.” He paused, before adding,” By the way, if you own a Panerai, try not to lick the dial.”

We finished our meal in silence, with me deep in thought about watch-swallowing in the intelligence fraternity. Walking to the station, we then boarded the train to City Hallz, where we would go our separate ways. We were both seated down when this teenager beside us caught a glance at K*P’s Rolex and remarked to him, “Wow! That’s a nice Seiko dude”.

“You must get that a lot, after changing to a NATO strap,” I said to K*P.

He remained silent as he began to turn the Rolex’s ceramic bezel counter-clockwise. After turning and twisting the bezel for about 495 times or so, an especially loud click could be heard, accompanied by a faint ticking noise. “There,” he remarked at last, “I’ve activated the self- destruct sequence. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, in a 5 foot radius, will be destroyed.” What? But why?!

“No one mistakes my Rolex for a Seiko and lives,” came his reply. “Even though there are nice Seikos.” I frantically tried to look for a way off the train, but couldn’t resist asking him one final question, “the GMT2 can do that?”

“Oh yes. There is a small amount of explosive hidden in the trip-lock crown; when the seconds- hand reaches 45, the incredibly accurate PARACHROM hairspring (which is unaffected by magnetism) will begin to unwind extremely fast, setting off a chain explosion. I repeat, everything within a five- foot radius will be destroyed. That kid will be Superlatively, Perpetually and Certifiably dead.”

Thankfully, the train doors opened, and I scrambled off the train. The fate of K*P and the train’s passengers remains unknown at the point of posting.

Rolex GMT Master 2, reference number 116710LN, Stainless Steel Case with Ceramic Bezel, 40mm; Movement: Rolex 3186. Price: S$9800.00 (from AD)