A friend dropped by to have lunch with me the other day and he was wearing this fine timepiece which made me take a few pictures of it. He’s an understated type of guy, this friend of mine. Stays in a big mansion but hidden in a corner on top of a hill. Drives a $280,000 sports car that in most respects, resembles a cheaper entry- level version of the same model. And when it comes to his timepieces, he likes black and er, dressing them down. Which is why the first thing he did was to replace the fancy leather strap on his Glashutte Senator Perpetual Ceramic with a $20 one (that probably says other things about him as well). I think he wanted to pass it off as a Fossil or something.

Which is great, because the worst thing a person can do is to remove the ’318′ decal on his BMW Three- Series and kit it out with a M3 bodykit. Nothing says ‘goon’ more than a person who tries to pass his stuff off as something it isn’t, but I have mixed feelings about people who try to pass expensive property off as something … modest. Most of them just have issues with their wealth, but you know they make great people to borrow money from. So he and his Glashutte make a great combination – no fuss, no muss, but extremely talented and capable in their own way. Until I dropped that siew mai on the watch, that is.

Glashutte Original Senator Perpetual Ceramic Case, Ref: 10007060605, 42mm Case diameter, Automatic Glashutte In- House 100-07 movement, 50 hours power reserve. Recommended Retail Price: S$41,800.00

The rains had barely stopped when I arrived at the secret location at the predetermined time for my prearranged interview with the elusive ‘spy’ known only by his initials, K*P. Not knowing what exactly to expect, I nervously scanned the sparse crowd before me, looking for a person in a trench-coat or panama- hat. All I could find however, was the usual back-alley crowd: the male virility product seller, peddling his wares; a Filipino lady in a low-cut blouse offering ‘manicures’ to passer- bys; the blind ventriloquist with a pigeon perched on his head. I lifted a cigarette from my pocket and lit it.

I hadn’t taken a single drag before a voice spoke behind me.

Those things will kill you,” said a squeaky voice that reminded me of what a Beckham- Tyson lovechild would have sounded like.

Startled, I turned around. But there wasn’t anyone there. Instead, the ‘blind’ ventriloquist who had a pigeon perched on his head and giving indiscriminate foot massages by the corner of the walkway moved towards the kerb, beckoning me to follow him. A truly masterful disguise for a super- sleuth. “The name’s Pang,” he uttered, “K-Pang” (pronounced Kay- Pang).

I stepped back to evaluate the legend who now stood before me. North Korea, 1952. Liberated a shipment of grade ‘A’ kimchee just as it was being delivered to the grubby hands of Great Leader. ‘Nam, 73: single-handedly held back an entire legion of the Vietcong’s Giah Bargh (bloodthirsty war-squirrels) as the 21st airborne evacuated Saigon. The Persian Gulf, 1991: re-arranged the direction signs so the Scuds would fire at a Baby Milk Factory instead. The list of accomplishments could go on all day.

We both sat down on the kerb as we began to talk about his life as a super-spy. His eyes had a faraway look as he recounted to me the countless incidences of his world- saving exploits. In between tales of taking out weapons of mass destruction, assassinating dictators and rescuing hostages, he would glance occasionally at his watch, a Rolex GMT Master II Ceramic Bezel on a NATO strap. I asked him what happened to the original stainless steel bracelet that came with the watch.

“That? Used it to sabotage the crazed scientist Dr. Patek P. Lipp’s space-station “O.M.E.G.A.” (Orbital Meteorite in Earth’s Gassy Atmosphere), which was equipped with an experimental coaxial laser,” he replied, adding,”that thing would have turned Earth into a planet ocean”.

Impressive. But surely he could have gotten a replacement bracelet by writing in to Rolex? “I’m used to the NATO by now,” he shrugged. “Anyway the bracelet was too shiny, attracting the wrong kind of attention. The strap’s different. It doesn’t give away my location, whether I’m in the field or infiltration mode.”

And his job is one that constantly required him to stay in the murky depths of the intelligence world. Just like the restaurant we eventually ended up at, a dusty little noodle-shop with lots of shady customers eating chow- mien, where he revealed his Rolex’s next trick. “My job is dangerous,” he explained. “The knowledge I have, what I can do, can bring down governments. Which is why, when cornered, I will have no choice but to kill myself…with this watch”. But how?

He pointed to the shiny bezel of the GMT2. “It looks like any ordinary shiny bezel that seems harder to scratch, this,” he explains, “but its actually made of a secret, super- hard substance known only as ‘Cerachrom’. Scientists believe that aliens from the planet Rolexsior introduced this substance to Earth when they arrived in the early 20th century and founded Rolex. All we know is that Cerachrom is fatal when ingested by humans. So when cornered, I will simply swallow the whole bezel and bring my secrets to the grave”. I was stunned by this revelation. Who would ever have thought that the bezel would contain such a grave purpose?

“Oh, we spies do it all the time,” K*P remarked nonchalantly. “Back in the 1930s the Italian spies used to swallow their Panerais, as the luminous hour- markers were tipped with radium; you can imagine it was quite fatal.” He paused, before adding,” By the way, if you own a Panerai, try not to lick the dial.”

We finished our meal in silence, with me deep in thought about watch-swallowing in the intelligence fraternity. Walking to the station, we then boarded the train to City Hallz, where we would go our separate ways. We were both seated down when this teenager beside us caught a glance at K*P’s Rolex and remarked to him, “Wow! That’s a nice Seiko dude”.

“You must get that a lot, after changing to a NATO strap,” I said to K*P.

He remained silent as he began to turn the Rolex’s ceramic bezel counter-clockwise. After turning and twisting the bezel for about 495 times or so, an especially loud click could be heard, accompanied by a faint ticking noise. “There,” he remarked at last, “I’ve activated the self- destruct sequence. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, in a 5 foot radius, will be destroyed.” What? But why?!

“No one mistakes my Rolex for a Seiko and lives,” came his reply. “Even though there are nice Seikos.” I frantically tried to look for a way off the train, but couldn’t resist asking him one final question, “the GMT2 can do that?”

“Oh yes. There is a small amount of explosive hidden in the trip-lock crown; when the seconds- hand reaches 45, the incredibly accurate PARACHROM hairspring (which is unaffected by magnetism) will begin to unwind extremely fast, setting off a chain explosion. I repeat, everything within a five- foot radius will be destroyed. That kid will be Superlatively, Perpetually and Certifiably dead.”

Thankfully, the train doors opened, and I scrambled off the train. The fate of K*P and the train’s passengers remains unknown at the point of posting.

Rolex GMT Master 2, reference number 116710LN, Stainless Steel Case with Ceramic Bezel, 40mm; Movement: Rolex 3186. Price: S$9800.00 (from AD)

What the hell?! You can imagine the infamy when the pricing for the (Tag) Heuer Silverstone came public. Just how they manage to justify its USD 6400 pricetag is beyond comprehension. Of course, the AD will tell you that the ‘entire casing was milled from a single solid block of steel’, along with that fact that a single ‘Heuer’ logo is apparently worth a lot more than one that has ‘Tag’ appended on top of it! Movement? The so- called exclusive Tag Caliber 11, which is nothing more than a modified ETA 2892 with a Dubois- Depraz chronograph module cobbled on top. But you know the absolutely worst thing about it: the bloody watch is dropdead beautiful and impeccably finished. Wait… do you hear that noise? That’s the sound of your rationality being run over by a train. Heel boy!

Tag Heuer Silverstone, Stainless Steel Case, 41mm, 40 hours power reserve. Movement: Tag Heuer Caliber 11 (Base ETA 2824 with DD Chrono). Available in Blue or Brown with matching crocodile leather strap.

While most people in his profession might prefer to wear something else, Mr. Wirando Alfred Cranston Koh-Ong believes that the International Watch Company’s Portuguese Automatic is the perfect watch for dump truck drivers and part-time deliverymen.

“This watch is great! It never runs out of batteries!” says he, of soiled- overalls and muddy boots enthusiastically. “And it keeps track of time the entire week, exactly right for my work schedule!” When informed that the IWC Portuguese Automatic has an automatic self-winding movement, Mr. Wirando seemed non-plussed. “Yes it has automatic batteries; I also know about the movement – its called ‘pay-a-ton’ 5001 (although I certainly paid a lot more than $5001 for this watch) and you can see through the little window at the back,” he explained, shoving the caseback into this writer’s face. Further attempts to explain an automatic movement to him were futile.

Mr. Wirando’s opinion of IWC was most contentious as well. “Everybody knows that Japanese watches are the best! But Jap watches are too small, just like Japanese men, if you know what I mean,” said he of the dirty fingernails and wide girth. Taking another bite of his juicy Malaysian guava, Mr. Wirando further opined,”IWC, I hear it was founded by an American and all their watches are very big. Just like this one, its has such a very big face, all the better for me to see the time better”.

“Truck drivers like me got to work long and hard hours, our eyesight is naturally not too good,” he continued. “And you know what they say about us working 7 days a week, well its all too true!” he exclaimed, with a sigh. When I further enquired, asking if the rough and tumble nature of his job might result in his watch getting damaged, Mr. Wirando seemed unconcerned. “The watch is protected by me, which is in turn protected by this Volvo A45D dump truck. It weighs 45 tons, let’s see what kinda damage other cars can do to it!” he explained. “Its those folks who wear IWCs and drive fancy, flimsy cars that will end up getting their watches crushed by my truck!”

While this combination may seem to be made for each other, Mr. Wirando does have his issues with the Portuguese. “Why do they call it a Portuguese?! Isn’t Portugal somewhere in Spain? I bought a Swiss watch, not a Spanish watch,” he insisted.

IWC Portuguese Automatic, Stainless Steel Case, 42mm, 100m water-resistance; sapphire glass caseback, 7 days power reserve. Movement: self-winding IWC Caliber 50010.